And This Just In ... - Issue #5

News … so just shut up!

Tuesday July 2, 2007 — Issue # 5

Jesus and Allah to Sue Vayeshnoi

Two Lords of the Universe, Jesus the Lamb of God and Allah (there is no other but Allah) are contemplating legal action against Fiji’s interim minister Lekh Ram Vayeshnoi for his recent comments that the December 5th Coup was ‘God-sent’. Speaking to journalists via video phone from Heaven today the two categorically denied having sanctioned the coup and said they would be hiring the Suva-based law firm Munro Leys to proceed with legal action against Vayeshnoi.

“This is unforgivable,” said an irate and historically forgiving Jesus. “Hello! Just when did I sanction the coup? As far as I can recall all December I was just too caught up with trying to straighten Paris (Hilton) out to have time for other things.”

The normally shy and reserved Allah also expressed similar sentiments.

“Yeh December was hectic and Jesus and I consulted our schedules and he decided to deal with Paris Hilton while I tried to deal with the fuck-up (pardon my French) Bush has created called ‘Iraq’. But I think Brahma might have had something to do with it.”

But when asked by journalists Brahma also categorically denied having sanctioned the December 5th coup.

“I do remember receiving a prayer from Frank (Bainimarama) and Mahen (Chaudhry) asking me to sanction the coup. Mahen especially was keen, I being the Lord of his people and all but the problem was the timing. I had been promising the kids a vacation for so long and in December I just had to fulfill that promise. Plus the wife threatened to throw me out if we didn’t go. So yeh it was not I who sanctioned the coup. But I am delighted to tell you we had an awesome vacation in the Himalayas.”

When asked by journalists whether he would have considered sanctioning the coup had he not gone on vacation, Brahma responded.

“Although I support Frank’s principles – you know getting rid of corruption and corrupt people and all - I am not too happy with the methods he used (boy didn’t you just get tired of hearing that in May 2000). Yeh so probably at that time I would not have sanctioned the coup.”

In another twist to the story, the Prince of Darkness, Satan, suddenly materialized from thin air at the press conference, clad from head to toe in a body-clutching red leather suit and fuming (literally) with anger said that he was also contemplating legal action against Vayeshnoi. When asked by journalists why he was contemplating this he explained.

“It was I who sanctioned the December coup. For that idiot Vayeshnoi to attribute something I had sanctioned to these two – Jesus and Allah - is abominable. But it’s been a trend in the Fiji Islands lately to attribute everything to these two clowns. Look at May 2000. Hello! Like that was me!”

Satan said that he would be hiring the services of Suva lawyer Tevita Fa.

And in other news …

Satan to apply for vacant Deputy Commander RFMF post


2007 And This Just In …