And This Just In ... - Issue #4

News … whether you like it or not!

Helen and John ‘Friend Cut’ with Frank

The prime ministers of Australia and New Zealand, in a joint press conference in Canberra today said that they were ‘friend cut’ with Fiji’s interim prime minister Frank Bainimarama. This after Bainimarama expelled New Zealand’s High Commissioner to Fiji, Michael Green. When asked by journalists what this new state of affairs meant in political and economic terms the two prime ministers mentioned a list of things that would come under their new ‘Friend Cut Policy’.

“Apart from all the punitive stuff rich and powerful – and White - nations like us do to rogue nations and rogue leaders who refuse to conform to our divinely-ordained standards and principles, Frank will no longer be invited to my place in Wellington like in the good old days when we would dress in kimonos, stay up all night dyeing our hair purple, painting our toe nails green and drinking methylated spirit till we threw up,” said Helen Clarke. “And yes, I am also extremely sorry to tell Frank that I am putting a moratorium, effective immediately, on our annual pillow fight competition.”

Australia’s prime minister was even more ruthless in his treatment of Bainimarama.

“We need to give out a clear signal to Frank that you cannot expel one of our diplomats and hope to get away with it. Firstly as from today the commander will not be allowed to borrow any of my ‘Boyz to Men’ CD’s. Secondly, whenever Frank was in Canberra I used to give him the best back massages – well not anymore! Frank will also have to find a new clubbing and drinking buddy. I had a lot of fun with him in Suva hopping from Traps to Signals to Bali Hai but that’s history now. But I am also delighted to announce that I am appointing Bernando Vunibobo as my official drinking and clubbing buddy. He will be appointed for a two-year term with the usual dental benefits.”

But within hours of announcing the ‘Friend Cut Policy’, Bainimarama reacted with a declaration of his own list of sanctions against Helen and John.

“I will be asking Helen to return all the Avril Lavigne and Hilary Duff posters I have been sending her during the years. As for John, well he had better return the September 2002 issue of Playboy Magazine I lent him … in 2002! I wasn’t saying anything before but by gosh when people borrow something they should have the courtesy to return the item.”

John Howard reacted strongly to Bainimarama’s accusation by saying he didn’t know what he (Bainimarama) was talking about.

“I never borrowed the September 2002 Playboy from Frank. George (Bush) and Tony (Blair) chipped in for it for my birthday.”

And in other news …

Fiji Institute of Technology changes name to University of the South Pacific

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