And This Just In … - Issue #3

News others are too scaredy cat to tell.

HEAD OF ANTI-CORRUPTION UNIT LAUNCHES INVESTIGATION INTO HIMSELF

The head of the Anti-Corruption Unit, Inspector Nasir Ali has launched investigations into himself. In a press conference in Suva today Ali said there had been mounting evidence to warrant the investigation.

“During the past few weeks I have been closing monitoring my own movements and activities and frankly I felt my behavior was suspicious enough to warrant an immediate investigation,” said Ali.

The first phase of the investigation began last week when Ali tapped his phone to overhear his own conversations and then surgically implanted a global positioning system inside his skull to track his own movements. The second phase began earlier this morning when Ali raided his home and then took himself in to the unit’s headquarters for questioning.

“At five hundred hours this morning, while my lovely wife and children were asleep I raided my own house. But first I had a hot shower, shaved my legs and armpit and then made a lovely breakfast of pancakes, eggs and strong black coffee.”

Ali said that during the raid he searched the drawers where he kept his Spiderman underwear, explored the secret holes in the wall where he hid Playboy Magazines, and basically looked anywhere he felt he might have hidden evidence of his shady dealings from himself. He then handcuffed himself and took himself in to the unit’s headquarters in a police car with the lights flashing and siren blaring where he subjected himself to seven hours of intense interrogation.

“First I put myself under a big bright light bulb and asked myself numerous questions on my activities in the past month. Then I attached myself to this really cool machine you see used by bad guys in films which gives a tremendous electric shock. Then I grabbed hold of my collar and repeatedly dunked my head in a big tub of water.”

Ali’s tactics however did not impress the director of the Fiji Human Rights Commission Shaista Shameem who reminded Ali that using excessive force on suspects, even though they may be oneself, was against the Geneva Convention.

But Ali said he had left himself no option but to resort to these means. He said his activities were getting more suspicious by the day and someone had to do something. He said that although the interrogation did not yield any substantial breakthrough he would continue to keep a close eye on himself.

“No one is above the law and every man has a weakness. I need to find out what mine are so that I can use it against myself,” said a hopeful Ali.

Ali said he was close to a breakthrough in the case yesterday afternoon when he saw himself handing a large plastic bag to a strange man. However he soon realized that he was only handing his dirty laundry to Suman Lal at the Flagstaff laundry.

Ali said that the third phase of the operation, code named ‘Third Phase’ will begin next week when he will hire mean and ugly looking midgets with large, pus-filled pimples on their faces for a car chase through the streets of Suva. “It’s going to be just like Bollywood,” said an excited Ali.

And in other news:

Suva mayor rents road potholes for family lovo functions


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