News … full stop.
BUSH ADDS BAINIMARAMA’S NAME TO ‘AXIS OF EVIL’
The President of the United States George W. Bush recently added Fiji’s interim prime minister Commodore Frank Bainimarama’s name to the ‘Axis of Evil’. This after Bainimarama ordered the US embassy to remove the protective barricades from Loftus Road in downtown Suva.
“There are terrorist folks like Bainimarama out there who would like nothing better than to see kind, generous, honest, hard working, smiling and God-fearing American citizens get blown up. The barricades were essential in protecting them from Bainimarama and other terror organizations in Fiji.”
When asked by journalists who these other terror organizations were Bush responded:
“We have been closely eyeing the Fiji Kava Producer’s Association, those ghastly kids in the ‘Chow Noodles’ commercials and the Wainibokasi Indian Mother’s Club for possible terrorist activities.”
Immediately after Bainimarama reviewed his order to remove the barricades journalists asked Bush whether he would remove Bainimarama’s name from the ‘Axis of Evil’.
“No because he is … he is … eh … eh … oh yes! … Oh yes yes … because he is probably developing weapons of mass destruction. Yes that’s right. In fact our intelligence sources have solid proof that Bainimarama is probably planning to build weapons of mass destruction to use against good Americans and we are in the process of preparing a dossier to present to the United Nations.”
Asked by journalists whether these were the same intelligent sources who told the world that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction Bush retorted: “Eh?”
When asked by journalists whether military action would be an option for the administration, Bush scratched his head and replied: “Eh, do they have oil there in Fiji?”
But the placing of Bainimarama to the Axis of Evil has drawn criticism from members of this exclusive club, especially from its Secretary General the North Korean president Kim Jong-ll who scoffed at the decision.
“I have not become Secretary General of this club by lying on my arse. I have worked very hard, killing thousands of my good citizens either directly by shooting them or indirectly by denying them the basic necessities that any human being deserves. I have worked very hard to hone my evil inclinations taking part in several workshops and university courses on the art of evildoing. I will soon be writing a Doctorate thesis on evildoing entitled ‘Evildoing: The Benefits of Evil as a Renewable Source of Energy for Motor Vehicles’. What has Bainimarama done to be part of this club? How many has he killed? I ask if he even has a certificate in evildoing.”
But another member of the Axis of Evil, its Public Relations Officer and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was more accommodating.
“The kid’s got talent. A good start for him is that almost everyone in his country and the region thinks he is a madman. This is definitely a bonus for him. With a little more experience, training and support I think he will be in a few years time the greatest evil doer in history. I am confident and even prepared to give him private tuition. He can contact me at iranianmadman@axisofevil.org.dottydotdot
And in other news …
Mahendra Chaudhary applies for vacant Axis of Evil spot left by Saddam Hussein
©2007 And This Just In ...
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
And This Just In ... - Issue #1
News that rocks and shocks and makes you wanna say ‘yaoza yaoza yaoza’.
Romanu Tikotikoca’s Head Declared Nature Reserve
Acting Commissioner of Police, Romanu Tikotikoca’s head has been declared a nature reserve by the World Wildlife Fund. This after the discovery that his mop of black hair with a white streak is in fact a live skunk.
In a joint press conference held in Suva today, Tikotikoca and a representative of the WWF confirmed what many had been suspecting for a long time.
“Given the circumstances,” said the WWF representative, “we had no option but to declare his head a nature reserve. This would mean no member of the public would be allowed to trespass on or use his head for recreational purposes. Offenders will face the full brunt of the law.”
Speaking to journalists and members of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Tikotikoca said that the skunk had been living on his head for the past decade. Answering a journalist’s question Tikitikoca said the whole incident probably started on a trip to the United States in 1998.
“I was out in the forest hunting a brown bear when all of a sudden I felt something jump onto my head and attach itself firmly to my scalp.”
He said he only realized that a skunk had in fact attached himself to his head when months later his wife accused him of having an affair.
“He’d used to come home everyday with this animal smell as if he’d just fornicated,” said Mrs. Tikotikoca. “Upon close investigation we found the source of the smell attached to his scalp.”
When asked by journalists whether having a live skunk living on the head was uncomfortable Tikotikoca shook his head and said: “It’s really no bother. The poor fellow just sleeps all day long and forages my scalp for sustenance at night. The only mystery to me is when and where he does his pee pee and poo poo.”
Tikotikoca said investigations were underway and the case would be cracked fairly soon.
And in other news …
Tavua man plans to migrate to rings of Saturn
©2007 And This Just In …
Romanu Tikotikoca’s Head Declared Nature Reserve
Acting Commissioner of Police, Romanu Tikotikoca’s head has been declared a nature reserve by the World Wildlife Fund. This after the discovery that his mop of black hair with a white streak is in fact a live skunk.
In a joint press conference held in Suva today, Tikotikoca and a representative of the WWF confirmed what many had been suspecting for a long time.
“Given the circumstances,” said the WWF representative, “we had no option but to declare his head a nature reserve. This would mean no member of the public would be allowed to trespass on or use his head for recreational purposes. Offenders will face the full brunt of the law.”
Speaking to journalists and members of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Tikotikoca said that the skunk had been living on his head for the past decade. Answering a journalist’s question Tikitikoca said the whole incident probably started on a trip to the United States in 1998.
“I was out in the forest hunting a brown bear when all of a sudden I felt something jump onto my head and attach itself firmly to my scalp.”
He said he only realized that a skunk had in fact attached himself to his head when months later his wife accused him of having an affair.
“He’d used to come home everyday with this animal smell as if he’d just fornicated,” said Mrs. Tikotikoca. “Upon close investigation we found the source of the smell attached to his scalp.”
When asked by journalists whether having a live skunk living on the head was uncomfortable Tikotikoca shook his head and said: “It’s really no bother. The poor fellow just sleeps all day long and forages my scalp for sustenance at night. The only mystery to me is when and where he does his pee pee and poo poo.”
Tikotikoca said investigations were underway and the case would be cracked fairly soon.
And in other news …
Tavua man plans to migrate to rings of Saturn
©2007 And This Just In …
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